Written by dUMNO
(Note:this article appeared at Malaysia Today.It just won "The Best Political Satire and Comedy of Malaysia Award judged by Pak Yeh)
Yang Berhormat, Yang kurang Berhormat, dan Yang Tidak Dihormat, Datuk-Datuk, Nenek-Nenek, Tuan-Tuan, Puan-Puan dan para hadirin seklian. For the benefit of the NON's, I will conduct this important speech in England, just to prove that I can speaking it, terrer-terrer, like sebiji Orang Puteh. Let it be known that I will now "change my mode".
Ahem. The reason we are all gathered here today, is to announce the objectives of dUMNO. For far too long, the NON's have been a pain in our side. For far too long, these sons and daughters of Prostitutes and Beggars have made us look bad, by working hard. So, even though we love collecting the NON's Tax Dollars, we shall not be ashamed to take even more from them, as soon as our Gambling Unit is stabilized. We pretend not to gamble and drink, but in reality, we all love doing what Tunku does. except we cannot openly do it in Malaysia. So, we fly to Paris to have Mongolian lunches as threesomes. And have a nice Night BBQ in Shah Alam when we come back. And we even saved RM500,000 in the process.
You NON's are pathetic. When we say that you need to shaddup, you just shaddup !! You bloody Porn Stars don't try to argue with our Ketuanan by insisting that you will discuss it in private, and behind closed-doors, and what-not. You are a NON. And a NON means that you will submit to a NON NON. We are NON NON's. You understand? dUMNO members are NON NON's, and when NON NON's speak, the NON's should shaddup !! You NON's are so biadap until your Prostitute Mother and Beggar Father's never teach you izzit? I change my mode again. My Manglish is far too revealing.... sorry.
The NON NON's have a saying, "Sesiapa yang dijilat dubur, mesti tahu basuh Pantat". This is very Philosophical !! This is very deep. This is anal-retentive deep. This is true NON NON's mentality. So you see, there is simply no penetration, and a NON NON's non-washing of the anus for two days, but yet, the NON NON Doctors can still find hidden Sperms and Saliva on various parts of the body. They didn't specify what sperms were found. What we didn't tell you is that it was actually chilli-sauce which was found. Looks like me, smells like me, but it was not me. Fortunately Anwar nor his brainy daughter and sexy wife, did not know how to use that line of defense !! I mean, they could have simply called the KKK guy to set up a Royal Commission to vouch for him, and it would have been OK. BTW, The Royal Commission does not mean it is from the King. It simply means that you pay a Royal Ransom, in the form of Commission, and everything will be OK. Malaysia Boleh. Boleh apa? Tidak penting lah. Kasi lu pening-pening sahaja cukuplah. Oops, my NON NON language is showing again. No choice, Because the NON NON has Ketuanan. And this Ketuanan is as mythical as 1Malaysia, but you NON's are far too stupid to question the NON NON.
Tell me. Does any of you NON's understand what 1Malaysia means? If you are too stupid to understand, then you will never understand the NON NON's. Go back behind your filthy desk, and pay us more taxes, you dolts !!! And just for asking, we will raise your Petrol Money again next week. Wait, Make it tonight !!! Then we will make money even sooner. You NON's just sit by the longkang and eat your KariPap, and "Don't talk shit !! Don't talk shit !! Don't talk shit !! " I must say it as enthusiastically as the funny fat guy on Al Jazeera. We, the NON NON's have given up so much, so that you can have your bloody Citizenship. What we never ever told you, is that dUMNO has given up the MOST !!! More than any real Malay in Malaysia. We have given up working !! All we do, is play Golf, play Girls, play Boys, and if some idiot with a stupid name of LGE tries to claim that we Hamsup that "Chun Underaged Girl", we just ISA the bloody NON. I told you a billion times already, the NON's must just shaddup, and take it lying down, like a good obedient Mongolian. Otherwise, we call you names !! Step on Cow Heads, and we burn your churches, and cause magical pig heads to simply fly-here fly-there !!
We BOMB YOU !!! What? You think only the Taliban can say laidet ah? dUMNO oso can. Except, that we don't need to nowadays. Your friends just suddenly decide to jump out of the 14th floor, with some silly NON writing in his hand. Never mind that no one can verify this. Even the most famous Tun Dr. Pornthip says that he died, and then 80% of him jumped out of the 14th floor. Tun Dr Pornthip is drunk !! How can 80% of anybody jump out of anywhere !!!
Oh ya, from today onwards, the NON NON's also want to ban uncle P Ramlee. He is definitely a kafir !! Why? Because the pundek has highlighted the hamsup sarong Party Malaysia girls !!! All his women dressing are far too sexy for us. I mean, when we look at chickens, also we get sexcited !!! We feel like molesting the Chickens !! So, we ban naked KFC also !!! Even Wet Markets must now sell Chicken fully dressed, so that we do not want to screw the Chicken. I hear that Thai Chicken is better than dUMNO Chicken. Ya lor, all those RM20 chicken screwing their Mat Armpit fellas are also a disgrace. SingKapor Ah Moi's demand S$12,000 per night ah !!! Really wan !! You go google SingKapor Social Escort, and see for yourself !! They even have photos like Superstar Catalogues ah !! OK.. Proof that Chickens must be completely dressed in Wet Dream Markets. You bloody NON's are the cause for our Hamsupness !! See !! My underwear is wet again just for discussing Wet Dream Chickens!! For that, you will pay !! You will pay 95% of all collected Malaysian Taxes !!
Finally, the NON's must obey the NON NON's. The stupid Malays must also obey the NON NON's. SHIT !! Even the bloody Orang Asli must obey the NON NON's. The Orang Asli are bloody Pendatangs !! Nobody gives a shit that they came 60,000 years ago !! They are LIARS !!! The world did NOT exist 60,000 years ago !! The world only existed in 1411, when ParameSonOfaSamsengFromSumateraWhoRanAwayFastFast came to Muar, I mean Malacca. Never mind that no evidence exists whatsoever for ParameSonOfaSamsengFromSumateraWhoRanAwayFastFast, except for the William Hang's daughter who married the King, and her 5 cousins protected him from the guys whom his Gangsters robbed in the Straits of Sumatera.
We, the NON NON's have made it very very very clear. Shaddup, or the 400,000 of you NON refugees who ran away last year will be forced to come back and pay us taxes for the rest of your lives. And the rest of you NON's must not question our Ketuanan, because it is definitely written in a non-written document, and therefore, no one has ever been able to find, because no one wrote it, and yet no-one is able to question this imaginary piece of non-paper. Confused? Simple. You NON's just Shaddup, and let our NON NON Ketuanan do the talking.
And oh, ya, we would like you to vote, No. We INSIST THAT you vote for dUMNO in the GE13th, so that we, the NON NON's can screw the NON's and the Malays, even more for the next 50 years.
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